LIFE , paused ;;

I’ve been feeling under appreciated lately. & partially just tired of the relationship & having to deal with him. We had an argument, I didn’t wanna deal with him anymore. So much of me was done but no part of me wanted it to end.

As much as he knowingly hurts me sometimes.. I couldn’t get myself to end it, to say yes, I want this to be over.. But I also couldn’t get myself to say that I didn’t want it to be over either..

It’s a 3.8 mile walk from his job to his house. Having a fight on the way home only makes it feel longer. Having a pointless fight over what to eat for dinner, even longer.

Then there’s the deafening silence that took over most of the walk between the initial argument to the turning point.

He asks me if I still want the relationship, I say “I don’t know, but right now I don’t.” (I know, harsh right? But that’s beside the point.)

He throws the Rite Aid bags & the EOS lip balm that I bought him. He walks until he gets to a stone bench for the bus stop in front of a Catholic school.

I follow him, picking everything up along the way. I join him on the cold bench & look up, which puts me face to face with a sign that says “Peace starts with a smile” I want to laugh, but I don’t let myself. I just sit there waiting, for what? I don’t know..

He turns to me & says “why don’t you just leave me so my life can end already?” I don’t know how to respond to this so I say nothing. He puts the hood of his sweater on & I realize what he’s doing, what I’m doing. I hug him & we sit there crying for a while. I let my selfishness get the best of me. I didn’t communicate with him. I didn’t tell him how I was feeling, what I was thinking. Our communication lines are much more clear now, not at the level he’d like them to be, but we’re being patient.

We know we have a lot of time.. To learn, to make mistakes, to fight, to make up, to have discussions, to have disagreements, &.. to possibly fall in love.

That is,
.. if we haven’t already.

:)